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So... I missed two months of updates. I am not going to let it weigh on me too much, I wouldn't want some arbitrary goal to hinder my enjoyment of slowly building up this website into something I feel happy with. I think failure was a theme in these last few months, which has been difficult. I got a D in my Calculus II class, missing a passing grade by only 1 question on the final exam. It is not the first time I have failed a mathmatics class, but it is the first time I have failed a class in my new college, after my renewed efforts to get through college. Maybe get through isn't the correct language I should be using. I really do want to complete my degree, I really do want to study circuit design and have a good base with which to work towards a career I enjoy and am respected in. Everyone has a reason to want to go into engineering, and a lot of the time it seems to be money. Yeah, its as good a reason as any, and I don't act high and mighty because it isn't the main reason I would like to be an engineer but I do feel like a lot of my happiness hinges on my success in becoming an engineer because of my motivations. I don’t think its healthy… I would give a lot to leave this home, this shitty service job, to move on to something more fitting, bigger and better, but I feel as though my body and mind are not on the same page. I realize that my inability to focus at times does hinder my grades and so does my anxiety with starting to study material. I have been trying to take failure, any failure in my life, as an opportunity to learn. Seeking the silver lining and taking responsibilty for my performance has led me to be more at ease with failing but it doesn’t make up for the time that I will lose over this winter making up my Calc class. I am undeterred. I will become an engineer, it’s just a matter of time. Apparently, Calc II is the hardest math class I will be taking according to a lot of people I know so that makes me feel a bit less like an idiot for not passing the first time around.

Anyway, I have been reading a lot more lately. I got this idea to just start reading off of the American Library Association’s top ten list of most challenged books of 2023 as a kind of exercise in exposing myself to stuff that I typically wouldn’t read. I started from top to bottom and am now reading the 6^th, The Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison. Some of the books on the list were very clearly made for a younger audience but I still think reading them was valuable, if nothing more than for understanding what kind of voices people are wanting to silence. What kind of stories. Banning these kinds of books has an effect even if nobody was going to read them in the first place. When a kid sees that a book is being pulled off shelves because it has content that they would relate to and then see people espousing how grotesque and unfit for schools that content is it creates shame. Shame in queer children, in people of color, and in victims of abuse that can manifest itself in ugly ways. I hope that the Streissand Effect does some good work here and makes more people read these books as it has made me. I won’t get into my thoughts of each book here because I plan to make little reviews on my “Library” page for each one. I think I will be taking a break from the list when I finish The Bluest Eye though. I want to continue reading House of Leaves and maybe Dungeon Meshi.

Another thing I have been reading is The Long Hike by ThePatchedhobo. I really love webcomics and amatuer art, and I instantly fell in love with this very interesting comic. It’s about sentient dragons living in the US after an apocalyptic event destroyed the US and turned the humans into dragons. It follows a once-human-turned-dragon who goes by many names on their wanderings throughout the very foreign world. The characters are cute, the art is cute, the concepts are dark at times, what is not to love. If you would like to also escape into a dragon fantasy land then you can read it at thelonghikecomic.com.

My second year anniversary with my partner has also passed. It really is hard to believe that its been two years already. I am sure everyone thinks something along those lines when they hit milestones, but I never thought that I would experience this. I feel like a scrawny awkward manchild most of the time but her love makes me feel like a man, and encourages me to do my best. She started school again recently too after a good many years, so looks like I do the same for her. I have to continue progressing so that she hopefully continues to see herself in me, to see what she can do, and also for us to one day realistically be able to live together. Her present to me for our anniversary was a power bank cause she wants my phone to stop dying so she can text me more heh. I got her the next couple of books of Dungeon Meshi, but I accidentally bought one of the wrong books. I’ll make it up to her by getting her the rest of the series if she decides she enjoys it enough to continue reading it. Speaking of presents, Christmas was alright. I gave her some boots that she needed for the winter and her gift for me still hasn’t arrived so I guess I will have to wait and see what it is. I am sure it will be great cause she is a great gift giver. I got a lot of clothes this year, which is definitely appreciated but a bit mundane. I also did get some more interesting stuff like some materials I will be using for a bluetooth iPod project and a textbook on the basics of electrical engineering so I can prepare for my upcoming classes.

All in all this last semester wasn’t so bad, and I just gotta keep taking this one step at a time. I will continue to update this website hopefully on a monthly basis but shit might happen again and I may have to prioritize other things. Only time will tell whether I do or don’t. I hope whoever reads this had a great year. See you in the next one.